I think I am morally bankrupt
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
