I accidentally had phone sex last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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