maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
