ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
