Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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