I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize