Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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