Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize