Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
