can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
