I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize