New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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