He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
