:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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