Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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