I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Someone shit on the floor
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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