..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
