Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
