i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
