well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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