We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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