I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
