Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
vagina is talking i cant
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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