Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
