Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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