My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
