I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
