i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize