3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
