I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
