I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
