I didn't shave. On purpose
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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