its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
