Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
