i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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