I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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