Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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