I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
