Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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