The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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