The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She needs sedatives and a leash
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
