I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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