Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
