YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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