Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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