I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm having to shit out rocks
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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