Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
