My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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