I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize