don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
