wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
