a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
