so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
