I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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