ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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