I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
