Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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