Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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